Bad Card Alters

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Enough of sucking up to Eric Klug, already. We get it. He's the Goddamn Rembrandt of card alteration. We all know his art is ridiculous, and it sells for ridiculous prices on eBay. But what if we go on eBay looking for something else?

Instead of talking about the Rembrandt of card alterations, let's take a look at some good ones I found on Tumblr.

This combines two of the most abused poor taste alters in scantily clad anime girls and pervo dragons.  Please folks, here is a protip - do not play this card if you want to leave your basement.

Perfect for the kitchen table. Your mother's kitchen table. Where you still live. Don't take this to a tournament, please.

Meet the newest guardian of the seven acre wood.

I have never painted a card before, but I have to imagine I would, at the very least, make a better choice than Pooh Bear ffs.

Varolz must have scavenged a makeover.

This trend really needs to stop.

Perhaps by the power of hypnotization I will forget this card when I wake up.

If this were painted better, it would just be really embarrassing.

Yes, why?

Why indeed.

Unbeknownst to the Eldrazi there was a greater force at work in Zendikar.

Submitted without comment

There is a reason why Pentagram Terror Bear was never pushed beyond the prototype stage.


When this Thundermaw Hellkite enters the battlefield, it deals 1 damage to your chances of ever getting a girlfriend.

No.No.No.No. Stop it. No.

Va va voom!

This is what you want on your Mountain? All the time?

What Demonic Tutor really wants to know is if that kilt he’s wearing makes him look fat.  Unfortunately that is one answer he can’t find in your deck.

Well, this card used to be worth money.

$370 Unlimited Mox Jet sharpie alter says, “boo.”

Talk about a black fly in your Chardonnay.

For $45 this mountain could be yours!

The Buy-It-Not price was $45. I wish I were joking.

This assassinate kills me.

I won't even lie - I do stuff like this between rounds when I'm bored. I don't try to sell them, though. Mostly I just throw them at people.

Jarad ordered the cessation of all Pokemon harvesting after this incident.

I have no idea why this was on a bad alters blog, I liked this one.

This is just creepy. 

Let's call this one the coup-de-grace.


What about you? Have any experience with bad alters? Anyone play with nude anime chicks on their basics at FNM? Ever give a card to an alterist and have them botch it? Got any stories of good alters? Too bad! We don't want them today.

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Jason Alt

Jason Alt is a value trader and writer. He is Quiet Speculation's self-appointed web content archivist and co-captain of the interdepartmental dodgeball team. He enjoys craft microbrews and doing things ironically. You may have seen him at magic events; he wears black t-shirts and has a beard and a backpack so he's pretty easy to spot. You can hear him as co-host on the Brainstorm Brewery podcast or catch his articles on He is also the Community Manager at and writes the odd article there, too. Follow him on Twitter @JasonEAlt unless you don't like having your mind blown.

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