The Great Designer Search was Wizards’ reality show. When Mark Rosewater came to me to hose the celebrity version of the show, I was ecstatic. Shows like Celebrity Fear Factor, Celebrity Apprentice, and Celebrity Rehab have all been fantastic hits, and this could finally give me the respect and adoration that should so rightfully be mine already. We had a lot of good entries so it was really hard to eliminate as many people as I had to, but I managed to narrow the field down to five finalists. They were all required to submit a couple of their designs as well as a brief introduction. So with that, it is my pleasure to present to you the finalists completing for the title of America’s Next Top Celebrity Great Designer Chef Who Happens to Be In Rehab. Survivor fits in there somewhere too.
Name: Michael Bay
Player Psychographical Profile: Timmy
Favourite Card: Kaboom!
Introduction: Magic‘s come a long way since the early days, and I think that’s a mistake! Some of Wizards’ best work goes all the way back to the earliest days of the game. Antiquities had Rocket Launcher. Arabian Nights had [card Aladdins Ring]the shotgun[/card]. Where has all the firepower gone? Well the world I’ve designed for this competition is called Awesomeville. It’s a futuristic, post apocalyptic world full of steampunk goblins, robots, some dinosaurs just for fun, Megadeth, and LOADS OF EXPLOSIONS!
Mutually Assured Destruction WUBRG
You lose 99% of your life, rounded up. All opponents lose the game. If your life total is 0 or less, you and your teammates also lose the game.
“I speak of mutally assured destruction. Nice story; tell it to Reader’s Digest!”
Everything Goes BOOM! 2RR
All permanents have “Sacrifice this: Deal 2 damage to target creature or player.”
“BOOM goes the dynamite!” – Shia LaBeouf, Goblin Plot Device
Ginormous Mecha-Scaleback 5GG
Artifact Creature – Dinosaur Cyborg (Mythic)
Ginormous Scaleback is indestructible.
“Semper Fidelis Tyrannosaurus!”
Rolph “Chip” Hitler*
*Note: If you are unaware, Chip Hitler is the youngest sibling of famous dictator Adolf Hitler. While not particularly well known, he was chosen because Adolf is dead, and because every celebrity reality show needs its Billy Baldwin.
Player Psychographical Profile: Spike
Favourite Card: Invoke Prejudice
Introduction: I want a world where all the impurities are exposed and then expunged. I’m in this to win, as I am with all things, so I also want a world without flavour text on cards; it’s inefficient.
When Hasidicism comes into play, secretly gain control of the world economy
1G: Regenerate target creature unless any other player gives you a dollar.
Jamuraan Spear-Chucker WW
Inferior Creature – Human Disgrace (Common)
Jamuraan Spear-Chucker is too lazy to untap during your untap step.
T: Deal 1 damage to target creature or player.
Flames of Cleansing 3WW
Destroy all non-white creatures and all inferior permanents.
Judge Mills Lane
Player Psychographical Profile: Melvin
Introduction: Alright, celebrities: I want a good clean fight. Hands above the belt; no cheap shots. We live in a society of rules, and the world of Magic is no exception. The only thing more important that knowing the rules is being in a position to decide the rules.
Stricken From the Record RRRR
If Stricken From the Record is in your opening hand, you may begin the game with it on the battlefield.
Anytime a player could mulligan, that player may reveal their hand. If their hand contains all or no lands they may put those cards on the bottom of their library and draw that many cards.
The first player to take a turn this game does not skip that turn’s draw step.
Whenever unused mana empties from a player’s mana pool that player loses 1 life for each unused mana.
Blocked creatures may distribute their damage among any number of blocking creatures regardless of blocking order.
“Back in my day…”
Order in the Court WW
Prevent all damage that would be dealt this turn by attacking creatures.
“Vernacular? That’s a doibee!”
Land of Confusion
T: Add 1 to your mana pool.
Pursuant to Rule 613.3b of the Magic: the Gathering Comprehensive Rules, effects applied in Layer 7b are applied after effects in Layer 7e would be applied.
“I’ll allow it.”
Player Pyschographical Profile: Johnny
Favourite Card: Figure of Destiny (Except it should turn back into a 1/1 every time it gets hit to make the game more challenging!)
Introduction: ほとんどの輝かしいゲームショーライバル！ 私はゆがみを下ったところにある魔法の世界にパイプを持って行って、マッシュルーム王国〔界〕にそれを運ぶことを意図します。 トカゲ、菌類、及び配管工が多いです！ 今、本当にどの位太っているかを反映するために私にあなたのmiiを調節させてください！
A Link to the Past BG
Whenever you would draw a card, you may instead remove two cards in your graveyard from the game. If you do, return a card from your graveyard to your hand.
Bowser, the Lizard King 3RG
Legendary Creature – Lizard (Rare)
When Bowser enters the battlefield, exile target creature. When Bowser leaves play, return that creature to the battlefield.
R: +1/+0 until end of turn.
“The princess will be mine.”
Cunning Sprite U
Creature – Faerie (Uncommon)
You may look at the top card of your library at any time.
Prevent all combat damage that would be dealt to Cunning Sprite.
Player Psychographical Profile: Johnny/Spike/Timmy
Favourite Card: Crop Rotation
Introduction: Rise of the Eldrazi set the stage with multikicker, so now it’s time to kick this game up to notches unknown! We’re gonna get a lot of different aspects working together and the flavor combination is gonna blow your mind.
Unbound Insight U
Multikicker – 1
Reveal the top card of your library and one additional card for each time Unbound Insight was kicked. An opponent separates those cards into two piles. Put one pile into your hand and the other on the bottom of your library in any order.
Gathering all the pieces for a recipe is often a team effort.
Mixing Bowl 4
X,T: Reveal an instant or sorcery card with converted mana cost X or less from your hand. Add the revealed card’s effect to target instant or sorcery.
As the gremlin poured the dangerous secret ingredient into the concoction it became clear: someone’s going to die tonight eating chili.
Notches Unknown G
Multikicker – G
Target permanent with a counter on it gets another counter of a kind already there and another counter of a kind already there for each time Notches Unknown was kicked.
There they are, your five finalists! Come back next week when we discuss their card submissions and when special guest judge Mark Summers will joining us to administer the competitors’ first physical challenge!